Cracked

10 July 2016

Is the foundation cracked?  This is a hard place to be. 

One of my only tweets was "My faith is the biggest factor that defines me as a human being."

My episode and many of my delusions were tightly wrapped around the wheel of my spirituality.  That was inevitable because my religion is such an integral part of who I am. 

But the delusion/religious connection really shook me to the core.  I couldn't tell what was real or what was just made up.  EVER.  Every answer I ever got to prayer.  Every impression.  Every "coincidence".  Maybe I've been having delusions all along and religion just conveniently covered them up. 

So at this point, when someone said that they felt the whisperings of the Spirit, or they received this revelation or that revelation I wanted to scream and punch them in the face.  HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT HAVING DELUSIONS!?!?!

I questioned the practice of prayer.  I sat in church with my family a while back after everything happened and just kept my eyes open during the prayers.  With eyes closed during a group prayer you tend to listen to what's being said.  But I kept my eyes open.  I looked around seeing everyone... EVERYONE with their eyes closed and thought how ridiculous they all looked.  Why am I even here?  Is this just a social group? Geez, I can think of dozens of other social groups that I would rather be a part of.   I'll come for the sake of my children, because at minimum they're being taught good standards and morals.  If I'm wrong I don't want to abandon ship.  I'll just keep going along and figure things out all over again.  Till then, I'm going to hold steady yet be very suspicious.  Walk the line and not make any sudden movements.

I questioned the existence of God.  I sat in the parking lot after church one day just pleading with God that if such and such was true that could He make this and that happen?  Then I would know for sure.  But God doesn't operate with ultimatums.  It's His way...every time.  And asking for "signs" was probably a bad approach given my delicate state.  Because the signs would always be what I'd look for in the future.  So, I sat there ..."Does God actually exist?" And the stark contrast of my two options were before me: creation or evolution.  Was all of this an accident?  And I looked around at the trees gently blowing in the wind.  Their structure is so simple yet inordinately complex at the same time. Seeds. Plant cells.  Photosynthesis. Pollination. Growth. Transpiration.

No.  There is a creator.  To think that that is an accident is completely unreasonable.

If God is real and he is perfect, with both justice and mercy, He would have provided a Savior to atone for our sins and overcome death.  God's existence and Jesus Christ are so tightly connected in my mind that I didn't even have to reason this one out.  Once I re-established God, Jesus came with Him. It was a given.

I did talk through my doubts with Husband.  His train of thought was if God is real then the gospel is true.  I contradicted him saying, "Lots of people believe in God and not LDS doctrine.  That's like saying since God is real so are unicorns.  You can't make that jump."

Jesus' existence as a human being on this planet is a matter of fact and not faith.  After that, there have been many witnesses to His divinity.  Akaine's painting of Jesus that she did as an 8-year old prodigy is one of my favorites.  Her painting is connected to Colton Burpo's NDE where he saw Jesus and then recognized Him in Akaine's painting.  They are two independent, yet complimentary witnesses.  I went to look the painting up on the internet after reading Heaven is For Real with baby Barron on my lap.  When the picture loaded on the screen the baby jumped off my lap and tried to eat the screen.  At barely less than a year he audibly said, "Jesus" several times.  Days and weeks afterwards I'd pull it up again and baby Barron would want to sit on the keyboard, kiss the screen and pat His face. 

I had a personal witness of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon when I was in 7th grade.  Was that real?  So I went through other facts that I know:  Quetzalcoatl, the white bearded god who visited south America, confirms the testimony of Jesus Christ's visits in Third Nephi.  The physical evidence compiled by Wayne May regarding the Laminites and Nephites.  The evidence is there.  The interpretation is in dispute by worldly scholars, but for me it's enough.  The Book of Mormon stands up against Jewish scrutiny, Egyptian scrutiny, statistical analysis of the different authors. 

If the Book of Mormon is true, then Joseph Smith was a prophet.  End of story.

Now this is where I get tangled up.  After Joseph.  Was Brigham Young a true prophet?  He's said and done LOTS of things that I have real issue with: 

• Bigoted and racist statements like, “Ham will continue to be servant of servants, as the Lord decreed, until the curse is removed. Will the present struggle [the U.S. civil war] free the slave? No…. Can you destroy the decrees of the Almighty? You cannot.”
  But, 2 Nephi 26:33  says that Jesus "inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female" AND the Civil War DID free the slaves.  So there's that.
  
• Mountain Meadows Massacre, but there is some dispute to Brigham Young's involvement.  So this is soft.
  
• His Adam-God theory which was later contradicted as being false doctrine by Spencer W. Kimball in the October 1976 general conference. But President Wilford Woodruff declared, “The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray. It is not in the programme. It is not in the mind of God. If I were to attempt that, the Lord would remove me out of my place, and so He will any other man who attempts to lead the children of men astray from the oracles of God and from their duty” 
  

CONTRADICTION!!!!

If Brigham Young was not a true prophet was the line of authority was broken?  Joseph had ordained Hyrum to be his successor, but he too was killed in Carthage.  OR it was the authority preserved with the Twelve Apostles?

I can believe that the authority is with the Twelve since the church has grown, continued to promote missionary efforts, Temple work, and the Book of Mormon.  My hang up is still on the "modern prophet" concept past Joseph Smith.  

I also came across some bits of information regarding the Second Anointing, a crowning ordinance that takes place in the Temple.  I always knew that the twelve apostles washed one another's feet similar to what Jesus did before his crucifixion.  But I didn't have any specific details until recently.  It was another Twilight Zone for me.  Not only were the twelve being anointed, but the Seventy, and Stake presidents too.  They do it on a Sunday when nobody else will be at the Temple, in the sealing rooms of the top floor.  While in the Oakland Temple I noticed several locked doors on the sealing room floor.  Maybe that's the Second anointing room?  The wives wash their husbands feet, SHE gets the priesthood as his priestess, and then the wife gives the husband a private priesthood blessing.  Then later, at home, the wife washes and anoints her husbands body similar to Mary, Jesus's wife, prior to his death and resurrection.  A stake president, who experienced the second anointing then fell away, wrote a lengthy expose on the practice.  AND the church confirms that it exists here (that link was taken down.  Try this one)!

I can't really put my finger on why this bothers me so much.  I generally knew it existed beforehand.  But it's something that essentially guarantees salvation.  That part I didn't know.  Calling and election made sure.  REALLY?  But then people leave the church!?  Doesn't that make them sons of perdition?  Or not?  Since the church is unwilling to openly discuss it, the only information on the matter is the anti stuff.  And I don't really care that the Twelve Apostles wash feet.  But I'm bothered that it's offered to other church leadership positions as far down as Stake President.  So I can't get it unless we're part of the IN crowd.  But the Fairfield Stake president who was excommunicated for sexually molesting his gynecology patients might have?

I was sitting in a fast and testimony meeting a few months back when I was still at square one on what religious themes, if any, I was going to accept.  The testimonies seemed especially powerful and I kept getting overwhelmed with emotion and had to push down my tears.  A few actually escaped, but it wasn't without much effort.  Do I believe this?  I used to. What DO I believe?  The testimonies that stuck out to me were on God being real and loving us as our Heavenly Father.  Jesus Christ as our Savior. The plan of salvation. One of the last testimonies was on President Thomas S. Monson being a true prophet.  I felt a surge of hope. 
 

But I have no way of knowing if that's not just another delusion.  So I'm stuck.  Except...MOST, not all, of my delusions were generated completely out of thin air, or by interpreting the moonlight on the wall as a sign of specific things (true story).  There was no independent witness outside of myself.  Maybe that's why it's important that we have fast and testimony meetings.  As a strength to others.  As an independent witness to others.  I can't get up and share my testimony.  I'm not there yet.  I barely have a handle on the basics.  I doubt my input would be very welcome since a lot of my issues are SO far off of other people's radar. Anything that I would have to say would open Pandora's box and confuse rather than strengthen. 

Hi, I'm Cookie.  I'm bipolar and have delusions.  I can't receive revelation anymore because I can't tell it apart from reality.  But I think that all this might be true.

This is a hard place to be.

Update 8/7/16

Have you ever been sucker punched by the Holy Ghost?  And then knocked down?  And then jumped on?  And then body slammed?

Did I mention that God doesn't like ultimatums?  I have been ignoring the Holy Ghost for some time.  My premise is that I couldn't tell delusion from actual inspiration so I was going to just ignore everything. 

Specifically, I told God, "I'll talk to You since that's a commandment and all...but I don't want to hear your voice anymore.  Please...just keep it to Yourself." 

I know that sounds really harsh, but when you're coming from a place of such extreme confusion and delusion...I really didn't see any other options.

So I had this impression this morning:  You need to bear your testimony. 

Nope.  I hate testimony meetings.  They only make me cry lately.  I'm going to sit in the foyer and pout. 

Sitting in the foyer is excluding yourself.  Choosing to sit on the outside isn't going to help you or set a good example for your children.

Fine.  I'll sit in the meeting.

Someone needs to hear your testimony. 

I'm going to cry.  Not just cry...UGLY cry.  Nope.

Sharing your testimony helps strengthen your testimony.  It's also like a fire.  It purifies.

I barely have a handle on the basics again.  You're just a delusion in my head.  I'm not listening to you.

You can talk about how you were in the hospital for two weeks.  You don't have to elaborate beyond that.  Share how you struggled with confusion.  Share how you regained your testimony...OF the basics.

OMG!  Are you kidding me?!?!  Husband will flip his lid if I share that I was in the "hospital".  He doesn't like people knowing our drama.  That is WAY too embarrassing.  NOPE.  I'm not listening.  OH!  Here's some Mormon Tabernacle Choir music to drown out the IMAGINARY voices.

[Lyrics about speaking up]  GAH!  Complete coincidence.  I'll skip this song.

[Lyrics about saying something]  Alrighty then.  I'll just listen to some non-Sunday compliant music.  How you like THEM apples?!?!

[Heathens by Twenty-one Pilots]

All my friends are heathens, take it slow

(Heathens. A little ironic don't you think?)

Wait for them to ask you who you know 

(They'll ask you about God...that's important)

Please don't make any sudden moves
You don't know the half of the abuse

....

[Sucker for Pain by Imagine Dragons] 

I torture you

Take my hand through the flames
I torture you
I'm a slave to your games
I'm just a sucker for pain

(Denying me is painful.  You're making this harder on yourself, you know)

.....

Walk slow through the fire

(Testimony is fire)

Like, who gon' try us?
Feeling the world go against us
So we put the world on our shoulders

......

I finish getting ready then look for church clothes for the little boys.  When I take them downstairs they're already dressed. 

I get the baby dressed and take him down.  I'm still thinking about the testimony meeting today.  I relent and pray in my head,  "Alright God, if you want me to bear my testimony have Husband get up first.  Then I'll get up.  OK?"

Then I think to myself, he's not going to get up.  He NEVER gets up.  Well, almost never.  It'll be MONTHS before I have to get up again.  This will work out nicely. 

We all get crammed into half a pew because we were late and there weren't any completely empty pews available.  I sit on the end trapping Husband on the inside.  Hmmm...He's less likely to get up this way.  Even if he feels impressed, he's not going to want to step over me.  Looks like no testimony for me today. 

So testimony meeting starts.  Sister Organist is back in town, which means I don't have to play anymore.  I notice that she messed up.  Is she out of practice or am I just paying more attention? I'm just glad it's not me anymore. 

First testimony.  I wish I had taken notes to remember specifics.  But it started off with a spiritual sucker punch to the face and the tears get started right out the gate. 

You need to share your testimony.

Michael goes up first.  That was the deal.

Sister Orgainist gets up to share.  She mentions me by name.

You're on the program to share your testimony.  You've been mentioned out loud just to prove it.

There's a big awkward gap where nobody gets up.

This is you.  Time to go.

NO. 

A sunbeam runs up to her grandpa on the stand.  Dad goes up and I think he's going to bear his testimony, but he only went up to retrieve his daughter.

Awkward gap continues.

This is your time, Cookie.

A missionary jumps up and shares his final testimony before leaving for home.  It was simple and very direct.  Those tend to be the most powerful. 

And the Spirit took the opportunity to knock me down.  The next several testimonies centered around testifying about the Holy Ghost, eternal families (see post about Jared), Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, the scriptures....BASICS.  By this point I've been spiritually jumped up and down upon for the last 15 minutes.  Tears were streaming down my face.

You're already crying.  Getting up isn't going to stop or start tears at this point.

Then Brother Jones got up.  He and I have a special connection.  He shared his testimony many months ago when he got reactivated.  It really touched me.  When he's gone I've PMed him on Facebook saying that I missed him.  He said it really made a difference to have someone notice when he's gone.  His testimony centered around finding your way back into the light.  Walking the path of repentance and recognizing when you you've been in sin.

Denying the Holy Ghost is a SIN, Cookie.  Stop ignoring me.  I am not a delusion.  Your heart is pounding.  You feel that fullness.  You ARE loved, Cookie.  You CAN discern what's reality.  This is real.  You CAN choose to stay in your seat.  But I AM real. 

Body slam by the Holy Ghost.

I get up and go to the bathroom to clean myself up.  As I leave the chapel I hear the next testimony just starting.  When I go back into the chapel I stand at the back just trying to gain my composure.  Princess comes over to me to hug me and ask what's wrong. 

Nothing.

"Really, because it looks like you're crying.  Is it about Jared?"

No.

I go up. 

"The worst thing in the world is to get up and start crying.  But I'm already a hot mess.  Let me start by telling you a story.  Many years ago when I was in High School I was getting ready for church and the Spirit whispered to me that I was going to share my journal entry that I had just written in Sacrament meeting.  So I printed it out and took it with me.  I wasn't on the program.  But the speakers that day finished early and there was extra time to fill.  Then the Bishop got up and announced that Cookie would be coming up to share her testimony.  A whoosh of confirmation flooded over me.  I got up and pulled out my sheet of paper and everyone gasped.  How did she know?  Well, this morning I had a similar experience.  I was told that I needed to share my testimony today.  It would be such a big deal except that my world exploded about a year ago.  I was hospitalized for two weeks.  When I got out I questioned everything.  I really wasn't sure what was real anymore.  Did God even exist?  I had to figure everything out all over again.  I wont go into the gory details of my path back to a testimony.  But I do have one again.  I do know that God exists.  And that He loves me.    I didn't want to share my testimony because I wasn't sure that I could even tell the Holy Ghost apart from my own imagination.  I told God, "I'll pray to you, but I don't want to hear Your voice anymore."  So I've had to re-learn.  Have you ever been sucker punched by the Holy Ghost?  Sister Organist and Brother Jones' testimonies were speaking to me.  All of these testimonies were so powerful to me and I was sitting there crying not wanting to come up here.  But its not about me.  I have a testimony that I can share.  I know that the Book of Mormon is true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet.  I know that Jesus is the Christ and He is my personal Savior.  So I apologize again for being a hot mess."

After I came down I went right back out into the hall way to wait for the chapel to empty out.  I was still a mess and didn't want to face anyone.  But one of my friend's sister came out and wept with me.  She said that my testimony was so incredibly powerful and she felt it....she was bawling in the back of the chapel. 

It wasn't embarrassing?

No, not embarrassing at all.  Very powerful.  Thank-you.