3 Aug 2016
Husband found out last night, but didn't tell me because he knew that I wouldn't sleep well. Our nephew Jared took his own life last night. He bought a gun from a stranger, in a completely legal transaction. There were no check and balances. No background checks. Nothing preventing him, even though he had a long history with mental illness and reoccurring psychotic episodes. He closed the door and called grandma. He asked if he was a good person. He asked about his life. She questioned him and asked him not to hurt himself. He played it off like nothing was about to happen. He hung up saying one of his little brothers wanted to play. His mother and father heard the gun shot and it was too late.
He had attempted suicide previously. Once on a gun range when he turned the pistol around on himself, but it misfired. Before he could fix the problem the range master had the situation under control. We attributed the misfire to divine intervention.
Then it happened again where he took all of his medicine at once. It would have been fatal, but except that his father took him to the Emergency Room to have his stomach pumped.
But God can only intervene to a point. Free will takes over and we are allowed to destroy ourselves. But here's what happens: Jared now gets a front seat to his mother's devastation and grief. And he can't do anything to comfort her. He will watch helplessly as his siblings mourn and weep. He will regret and apologize silently as his father blames himself and turns his anger and sorrow inward.
Those who are consciously looking for an easy out and make the decision to die do NOT find the peaceful light of escape. They find themselves disembodied will all of the same problems as before but now with no way to solve them. However, people who self inflict death during psychotic episodes, delusion or extreme confusion are not accountable in the same way as a typical suicide where choice is involved. Suffering does not give you a free pass to make an exit. This is not about you.
I want to throw up and crawl in a hole.
Update 8/7/16
Jared suffered for many years. He was only recently diagnosed with Wilson's disease. If you're not familiar with it, neither was I. Wilson disease is an inherited condition that causes the body to retain excess copper. Your body needs small amounts of copper from food to stay healthy. The liver of a person who has Wilson's disease does not release copper as it should. Copper buildup begins when you are born, but it can take years or even decades for symptoms to appear. As the copper builds up in the liver, it begins to damage the organ. When the copper reaches a certain level of toxicity the symptoms of the condition start to manifest. Symptoms can start at any age but in most cases they start between ages 5 and 35. Some people will have mental health-related signs and symptoms if the copper builds up in the central nervous system. Signs and symptoms are:
•personality changes
•depression
•feeling anxious, or nervous, about most things
•psychosis...—when a person loses contact with reality
Wilson disease is fatal if untreated.
It also causes a rare symptom where a brown ring forms around the edges of your iris. I remember him having this ring. And when I Googled "psychosis brown ring eyes" the first result was Wilson's disease.
What is heartbreaking is that if he had only waited, treatment could have given him a sense of normalcy back. He could regained his cognitive skills. He could have gotten married and been a father.
As I mourn I need to remember that I don't know what or how he was suffering. Only God can be his judge. Only God will know if he would have chosen this had he been able to think clearly. He fell victim to Wilson's disease. Without treatment....it is fatal. And I am grateful for the Atonement.
I look at his pictures throughout the years. When he was 10 he was bright, exuding energy and happiness. As years went on his face looked more and more strained. Happy moments were never as bright. One of the last profile pictures he put up on Facebook was him standing next to grandma's piano with a hand resting on the top. His caption said, "happy" but the picture said otherwise. His mouth was trying to smile, but there was no sparkle...not even light in his eyes. His posture was stiff and carefully posed. His "happy" had become anything but.
Prayers aren't normally something I type out. But I tend to think better when I can write. Slow. The speed of speak messes me up.
Dear Heavenly Father,
My heart is hurting because Jared is gone. I wish he had waited. He could have gotten better with treatment. Please give me comfort...I'm taking this really hard because I've been in a similar dark place. Although at this point I doubt mine has been as dark or as painful. Please send comfort and peace to his parents. Give them hope through the healing power of the Atonement. I know that Jared is probably hanging around seeing all of this. Please send Grandpa Dale to walk with him. Please let him hold his hand as he walks this necessary path back into the light. It wasn't right for him to take his life. But nobody can change that now. Please remind him of Jesus Christ's mercy. Please send him divine light and love. Please help him find peace and healing. Let him see angels instead of demons. Let him be comforted instead of alone. So many people miss him. His friend Kaitlyn is taking this really hard. Please bless her to find peace. Send angels to comfort her when she wets her pillow with tears. Remind her that the resurrection is universal. No matter what. No matter who. Everyone will be resurrected. Please let him find forgiveness, Father. He was hurting. And now we are all hurting. I know that we all have free agency and it's a gift. Let Jared's death be a reminder that some choices cannot be undone. Let him save another's life. We will all move on, but always remember. Please fill the gaps in life's tapestry where he should have been . Please let light rain down on him. Please let him find happiness again. Put him to work Father. He never got to finish his mission, and I know he wanted to. Maybe he can rescue others from spirit prison by teaching them. He knows the gospel. I know he had a testimony. He was worthy in every other way, Father. Please heal him and let him serve. I miss him. I wish I had thought of him, to reach out when he needed it. I feel like my last post days before his death was written to him. I read it to Husband right after he gave me the news. I never expected to read it to anyone. Please Father, take care of Jared. We can't see him now or know how he is doing so all I can do is ask and hope. But please...in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Husband found out last night, but didn't tell me because he knew that I wouldn't sleep well. Our nephew Jared took his own life last night. He bought a gun from a stranger, in a completely legal transaction. There were no check and balances. No background checks. Nothing preventing him, even though he had a long history with mental illness and reoccurring psychotic episodes. He closed the door and called grandma. He asked if he was a good person. He asked about his life. She questioned him and asked him not to hurt himself. He played it off like nothing was about to happen. He hung up saying one of his little brothers wanted to play. His mother and father heard the gun shot and it was too late.
He had attempted suicide previously. Once on a gun range when he turned the pistol around on himself, but it misfired. Before he could fix the problem the range master had the situation under control. We attributed the misfire to divine intervention.
Then it happened again where he took all of his medicine at once. It would have been fatal, but except that his father took him to the Emergency Room to have his stomach pumped.
But God can only intervene to a point. Free will takes over and we are allowed to destroy ourselves. But here's what happens: Jared now gets a front seat to his mother's devastation and grief. And he can't do anything to comfort her. He will watch helplessly as his siblings mourn and weep. He will regret and apologize silently as his father blames himself and turns his anger and sorrow inward.
Those who are consciously looking for an easy out and make the decision to die do NOT find the peaceful light of escape. They find themselves disembodied will all of the same problems as before but now with no way to solve them. However, people who self inflict death during psychotic episodes, delusion or extreme confusion are not accountable in the same way as a typical suicide where choice is involved. Suffering does not give you a free pass to make an exit. This is not about you.
I want to throw up and crawl in a hole.
Jared suffered for many years. He was only recently diagnosed with Wilson's disease. If you're not familiar with it, neither was I. Wilson disease is an inherited condition that causes the body to retain excess copper. Your body needs small amounts of copper from food to stay healthy. The liver of a person who has Wilson's disease does not release copper as it should. Copper buildup begins when you are born, but it can take years or even decades for symptoms to appear. As the copper builds up in the liver, it begins to damage the organ. When the copper reaches a certain level of toxicity the symptoms of the condition start to manifest. Symptoms can start at any age but in most cases they start between ages 5 and 35. Some people will have mental health-related signs and symptoms if the copper builds up in the central nervous system. Signs and symptoms are:
•personality changes
•depression
•feeling anxious, or nervous, about most things
•psychosis...—when a person loses contact with reality
Wilson disease is fatal if untreated.
It also causes a rare symptom where a brown ring forms around the edges of your iris. I remember him having this ring. And when I Googled "psychosis brown ring eyes" the first result was Wilson's disease.
What is heartbreaking is that if he had only waited, treatment could have given him a sense of normalcy back. He could regained his cognitive skills. He could have gotten married and been a father.
As I mourn I need to remember that I don't know what or how he was suffering. Only God can be his judge. Only God will know if he would have chosen this had he been able to think clearly. He fell victim to Wilson's disease. Without treatment....it is fatal. And I am grateful for the Atonement.
I look at his pictures throughout the years. When he was 10 he was bright, exuding energy and happiness. As years went on his face looked more and more strained. Happy moments were never as bright. One of the last profile pictures he put up on Facebook was him standing next to grandma's piano with a hand resting on the top. His caption said, "happy" but the picture said otherwise. His mouth was trying to smile, but there was no sparkle...not even light in his eyes. His posture was stiff and carefully posed. His "happy" had become anything but.
Prayers aren't normally something I type out. But I tend to think better when I can write. Slow. The speed of speak messes me up.
Dear Heavenly Father,
My heart is hurting because Jared is gone. I wish he had waited. He could have gotten better with treatment. Please give me comfort...I'm taking this really hard because I've been in a similar dark place. Although at this point I doubt mine has been as dark or as painful. Please send comfort and peace to his parents. Give them hope through the healing power of the Atonement. I know that Jared is probably hanging around seeing all of this. Please send Grandpa Dale to walk with him. Please let him hold his hand as he walks this necessary path back into the light. It wasn't right for him to take his life. But nobody can change that now. Please remind him of Jesus Christ's mercy. Please send him divine light and love. Please help him find peace and healing. Let him see angels instead of demons. Let him be comforted instead of alone. So many people miss him. His friend Kaitlyn is taking this really hard. Please bless her to find peace. Send angels to comfort her when she wets her pillow with tears. Remind her that the resurrection is universal. No matter what. No matter who. Everyone will be resurrected. Please let him find forgiveness, Father. He was hurting. And now we are all hurting. I know that we all have free agency and it's a gift. Let Jared's death be a reminder that some choices cannot be undone. Let him save another's life. We will all move on, but always remember. Please fill the gaps in life's tapestry where he should have been . Please let light rain down on him. Please let him find happiness again. Put him to work Father. He never got to finish his mission, and I know he wanted to. Maybe he can rescue others from spirit prison by teaching them. He knows the gospel. I know he had a testimony. He was worthy in every other way, Father. Please heal him and let him serve. I miss him. I wish I had thought of him, to reach out when he needed it. I feel like my last post days before his death was written to him. I read it to Husband right after he gave me the news. I never expected to read it to anyone. Please Father, take care of Jared. We can't see him now or know how he is doing so all I can do is ask and hope. But please...in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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