17 July 2016
Last year I received a Facebook message from a friend of mine on my R+F team. She had a friend request from Tylar Durden. I was the only friend in common and so she asked me who he was. Up till that time I didn't know that he even went onto his fake Facebook account. When I checked again he suddenly had 25 or so new friends, none of which he could possibly know. People from my alma matter, people from my mission, people that there is NO way he could possibly know except if he had sent friend requests to everyone on my list and some of them accepted.
He was reaching out! I was ecstatic!!
I went back to my Facebook wall to see what he might have most recently seen on my page and this music video was at the very top: Coming Home. If he had seen it, I knew it must have touched him.
To reach back to him I put out an invitation on his wall to come to Mom's house for dinner and to watch the blood moon eclipse with everyone. Frodo and I had staged some back and forth banter "fighting" over him, but since I knew Daniel might see it, I wanted him to know we loved him and wanted him.
He didn't come. Deep down I hoped he would, as a funny surprise. Accepting the invitation he thought I thought he would never see. We bought him a crab just in case.
His birthday was yesterday. I figured that if he checked at least once a year, it would have to be on his birthday to see our most recent notes and well wishes.
I sent a message to all of my friends who were now on his friend list and asked them to wish him a happy birthday. I wanted him to know that he is loved and wanted. I write notes at the bottom of my posts in Hebrew. I figure, it's another mystery, and if he's really interested he'll cut and paste the text into Google Translate to know what it says. They're just love notes.
After all the birthday wishes went up a neighbor lady Cindy from our court called to tell me that she ran into Daniel a week and a half ago. WHAT?!?! He was wandering around our old neighborhood street reminiscing. Daniel was on his way to Tahoe with some friends and had stopped in town. He told her about school, his new house, how he's doing. She asked about us. He got very emotional. Daniel misses us, but feels like we're trying to impose on him expectations to be a person that he's not. He doesn't want to feel pressure from us. I don't know if he meant all of us or just Claude. Or me. Or whoever. I just don't know because he's cut off all communication with us. I tried texting an old number of his, but I got a response in Spanish. So I deleted the number.
After all the birthday wishes went up a neighbor lady Cindy from our court called to tell me that she ran into Daniel a week and a half ago. WHAT?!?! He was wandering around our old neighborhood street reminiscing. Daniel was on his way to Tahoe with some friends and had stopped in town. He told her about school, his new house, how he's doing. She asked about us. He got very emotional. Daniel misses us, but feels like we're trying to impose on him expectations to be a person that he's not. He doesn't want to feel pressure from us. I don't know if he meant all of us or just Claude. Or me. Or whoever. I just don't know because he's cut off all communication with us. I tried texting an old number of his, but I got a response in Spanish. So I deleted the number.
I think he saw his birthday wishes. The next morning his privacy settings had been changed so I could see everyone on his friends list instead of just the mutual ones. Or was it like that all along? Is this a delusion too?
I feel like I'm standing outside of a cave. Calling out to him into the darkness. He's been in there for so long. I can't go in. I can't see him so I shouldn't know that he's even listening. But I've caught glimpses of the shadows moving. He thinks I don't know he's there, but I do now. He doesn't know that I know. Should he? Would that help if he knew that I know? Or maybe my knowing is another delusion. He's been gone for years and I keep imagining his voice in the wind.
Am I holding him back? I keep talking into the nothing...so he sticks around. He keeps coming silently back to see what I have to say...out of morbid curiosity. Does he even want to come back to us?
I don't know what to do next. Sometimes I just want to go back to when we were younger...curled up together on the couch, staying up until midnight to watch the scary Saturday night movie. At midnight when the movie ended I would go downstairs first to turn on the lights so he wouldn't be scared. He'd come down after me and turn the lights off. A few times I'd get down to the bedroom hallway and hide around the corner...without having turned the light on. He'd come tentatively down the hallway calling my name in a whisper. I'd jump out and scare him, then have a good laugh. I was a rotten sister.
Am I holding him back? I keep talking into the nothing...so he sticks around. He keeps coming silently back to see what I have to say...out of morbid curiosity. Does he even want to come back to us?
I don't know what to do next. Sometimes I just want to go back to when we were younger...curled up together on the couch, staying up until midnight to watch the scary Saturday night movie. At midnight when the movie ended I would go downstairs first to turn on the lights so he wouldn't be scared. He'd come down after me and turn the lights off. A few times I'd get down to the bedroom hallway and hide around the corner...without having turned the light on. He'd come tentatively down the hallway calling my name in a whisper. I'd jump out and scare him, then have a good laugh. I was a rotten sister.
One day when I was in my room doing homework I heard him frantically screaming for me. It was at that pitch and intensity that I knew something was seriously wrong. I ran into his bathroom to find him holding his hand over the sink gushing blood. I dug deep for courage and got to work. I cleaned his wound, bandaged him up and gave him hugs and reassurance. Then he told me he had been holding a balloon in his hand and thought it might be a fun idea to take a really sharp kitchen knife to pop it. Only after the balloon popped the knife kept going right into his palm.
The last time I saw Daniel in person it was in 2011 at Frodo's wedding and then in 2012 shortly after we'd moved to our new house. His letter telling us that he had removed his name from the church came in 2013. He Facetimed with us a few times after that but then ...nothing. He changed his number. Wouldn't answer the door when brothers went to his house in Colorado. We had all been cut from his life.
There are two parables that deal with loss: The Lost Sheep and the Prodigal Son. The shepherd went after the one lost sheep. He left the 99 to rescue the one. On the other hand there is the Prodigal son. He had to come to himself and return on his own. They seem to be contradictory. But it's really about perspective. The lost sheep is told from the perspective of the Shepherd. What the Shepherd did. The Prodigal Son is told from the perspective of the son. He had to want it before making the journey home. It's a two sided coin. Both require intention. We look for you. You come home to us.
The last time I saw Daniel in person it was in 2011 at Frodo's wedding and then in 2012 shortly after we'd moved to our new house. His letter telling us that he had removed his name from the church came in 2013. He Facetimed with us a few times after that but then ...nothing. He changed his number. Wouldn't answer the door when brothers went to his house in Colorado. We had all been cut from his life.
There are two parables that deal with loss: The Lost Sheep and the Prodigal Son. The shepherd went after the one lost sheep. He left the 99 to rescue the one. On the other hand there is the Prodigal son. He had to come to himself and return on his own. They seem to be contradictory. But it's really about perspective. The lost sheep is told from the perspective of the Shepherd. What the Shepherd did. The Prodigal Son is told from the perspective of the son. He had to want it before making the journey home. It's a two sided coin. Both require intention. We look for you. You come home to us.
Wings shared with me this book.
The foreword was written by Daniel to his new adoptive mother Vivienne, the book's author. "Before I met you, I was miserable, but I would never have admitted to it. I was drifting through my life with no direction, living day by day, almost searching for the thing that would release me from the terrible existence that was my life." I can only assume he meant that he was contemplating suicide.
Vivienne said of him, "While no angel announced Daniel's coming to me, God certainly dropped him into my life and said, 'Take care of this one for Me.' "
And she has. For that I am grateful.
Vivienne was there when Claude would not or could not be. What is more startling to me is that Vivienne taught him about God. She testified to him of the divinity of Jesus Christ. She gave him a Bible and started from ground zero to teach him. Skimming through her book I know where her morality is centered. Sweet relief. And she is teaching him, and loving him.
I don't want to steal him from her. I love her for loving him when he needed it. I just want to be a part of his life again.
My Daniel,
I love you. I hope you still love me too. We miss you. But I've told you that so many times, I've lost count. I've been broken since you've been gone. Not many people know. But now you do. I have bipolar. I live with mental illness. I suspect Claude has some version of it too...it's why she can't connect to people or feel empathy. Daddy had depression. We've been given a fine genetic cocktail, haven't we?
We are all broken, Daniel. You. Me. And yes, even Claude. She couldn't be the kind of mother that you needed. I am grateful that you found Vivienne.
I wonder sometimes if I should just block the Tylar Durden profile. It's not really you. It's Sebastian's Fight Club antagonist. His false delusional self. If I block Tylar, I know I'll lose my only connection to you. You won't be able to see me either. Will that help us both to move on? If I leave the mouth of the cave and stop calling out to you...will you come out to find me? Or leave us altogether to find what is on the other side? So I'll pretend that I don't know...so you'll stay. And we are at a stalemate. You listening. Me talking and pretending that you're not there.
Time is passing. It's not something we can ever get back. One day I'll be gone. Will you come back before then? Or just mourn me after it's too late? Or even mourn at all? My children might never know you. I'll run out of things to say. Eventually it will just be the same things over and over: I love you. I miss you. I want you just as you are. I'll keep saying them...till I'm gone.
I look at my Samuel and think of you, Daniel. Both of you the caboose of the family. I hug him and love him. I pray that I won't make the same mistakes you endured and let him feel unloved. I try to heal you through him...for all that Claude didn't do. All that she did do, and shouldn't have. You wanted to be you. You didn't fit the mold and so mom and dad didn't know what to do. I wish they would have; known how to love you the right way.
We want you Daniel. Just as you are. Not who you think we want you to be. We want you, in whatever form you'll let us have you. We want you with your real convictions. Not just the ones Claude taught us. We want you with your true life goals. Not the ones you felt constrained by growing up. We want you.
I love you Daniel.
Your sister,
Cookie
Vivienne said of him, "While no angel announced Daniel's coming to me, God certainly dropped him into my life and said, 'Take care of this one for Me.' "And she has. For that I am grateful.
Vivienne was there when Claude would not or could not be. What is more startling to me is that Vivienne taught him about God. She testified to him of the divinity of Jesus Christ. She gave him a Bible and started from ground zero to teach him. Skimming through her book I know where her morality is centered. Sweet relief. And she is teaching him, and loving him.
I don't want to steal him from her. I love her for loving him when he needed it. I just want to be a part of his life again.
My Daniel,
I love you. I hope you still love me too. We miss you. But I've told you that so many times, I've lost count. I've been broken since you've been gone. Not many people know. But now you do. I have bipolar. I live with mental illness. I suspect Claude has some version of it too...it's why she can't connect to people or feel empathy. Daddy had depression. We've been given a fine genetic cocktail, haven't we?
We are all broken, Daniel. You. Me. And yes, even Claude. She couldn't be the kind of mother that you needed. I am grateful that you found Vivienne.
I wonder sometimes if I should just block the Tylar Durden profile. It's not really you. It's Sebastian's Fight Club antagonist. His false delusional self. If I block Tylar, I know I'll lose my only connection to you. You won't be able to see me either. Will that help us both to move on? If I leave the mouth of the cave and stop calling out to you...will you come out to find me? Or leave us altogether to find what is on the other side? So I'll pretend that I don't know...so you'll stay. And we are at a stalemate. You listening. Me talking and pretending that you're not there.
Time is passing. It's not something we can ever get back. One day I'll be gone. Will you come back before then? Or just mourn me after it's too late? Or even mourn at all? My children might never know you. I'll run out of things to say. Eventually it will just be the same things over and over: I love you. I miss you. I want you just as you are. I'll keep saying them...till I'm gone.
I look at my Samuel and think of you, Daniel. Both of you the caboose of the family. I hug him and love him. I pray that I won't make the same mistakes you endured and let him feel unloved. I try to heal you through him...for all that Claude didn't do. All that she did do, and shouldn't have. You wanted to be you. You didn't fit the mold and so mom and dad didn't know what to do. I wish they would have; known how to love you the right way.
We want you Daniel. Just as you are. Not who you think we want you to be. We want you, in whatever form you'll let us have you. We want you with your real convictions. Not just the ones Claude taught us. We want you with your true life goals. Not the ones you felt constrained by growing up. We want you.
I love you Daniel.
Your sister,
Cookie
p.s. As a favor, please don't pass this blog on to anyone. It's my private place to vent and heal. But you're welcome to be here. After all...your being here is just another one of my delusions.
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