My brother, Wings was transferred to San Francisco as his home base. Rather than get an apartment in the city, which would be WILDLY expensive, he is staying with us in our weight room converted into spare bedroom. We don't mind letting him stay with us, and the kids love having him around to play with.
However, this week has been a poor sampling of normal day-to-day life. The little boys have all been sick, which they generously passed on to me. While Wings was here we were all sleeping in late, staying at home instead of going to the pool, using electronics a bit more than I would normally allow and there was much more disorganization and mess than usual. The lack of schedule and mess I know was driving him absolutely bonkers. He keeps a VERY organized household and when we went to visit him and RockStar for Priscilla's baby blessing the house was immaculate. I mean the drawers had every kitchen tool lined out in exact locations. It was like visiting a Better Homes and Gardens house.
So on the last morning of his time with us Wings started giving me a profanity laced lecture about going online, conspiracy theories, and my mental health. He was legitimately under the impression that because I had read conspiracy theories or read information regarding the last days that THAT is what led to my episode.
I tried to explain. I tried to refute his arguments. Husband had the same concerns, so I explained it like this:
A guy loves muscle cars. He goes to a muscle car show and winds up attempting suicide the next day. Everyone thinks the two are related and doesn't want to allow him to get any muscle car magazines. No, he attempted suicide because he has clinical depression.
My explanations went nowhere so I disengaged from what was otherwise a very contentious argument. After we both had time to gather cooler heads I realized, He is saying this out of love. He really has no context for what happened other than I had been reading about the Schemita via Johnathan Cahn and Julie Rowe's near death experience.
So I went into his room and explained very briefly about Narnia, the ruby slippers, aliens, and the devil disguised as our brother Daniel. None of which had anything to do with what I read on the internet during my down time.
I've tried to outline the delusions, but they are way more extensive than even my episode. However, they don't torment me. I only blog to escape the torment. But it now bothers me that my family thinks that my interest in the Second Coming led to my delusions and episode. So here goes...
I'm actually not even certain in what order the delusions happened. However I am certain that they BEGAN with some information I did find on the internet, so I guess they're concerns have some validity.
Background:
My brother Frodo told me about the Schemita and how it related to cyclical stock market crashes. It was uncanny. On the EXACT day of Elul 29 the stock market would crash. It happened in 2008 with the rejection of the 7 billion dollar bailout. The stock market crashed 777 points. That's a lot of 7's. It also happened after September 11th, 2001. It happened in 1994 with the bond massacre. It happened in 1994 on black Monday. On and on backwards every 7 years. Seeing this very solid pattern and believing it would happen again I invested $5000 on 50 Google puts with a strike price of $500 and an expiration date of October 2, 20015. I figured that if something BIG happened and the stock market took a massive dump, I wanted to cover my bases so that my option would be alive when the stock market re-opened, whenever that might be.
There was actually a LOT of exciting things happening in September 2015. The 70th Jubilee, which is a complete cycle and purportedly the LAST. The 20th anniversary of the Proclamation on the Family was September 23rd. The final Blood Moon of the Tetrad all occurring on Jewish feast days, AND a super moon was September 27th.
Elul 29 happened on Sunday September 13, 2015. Absolutely NOTHING happened. It was rather anti-climatic, but my head was still on straight. Besides, since it was a Jubilee year it might not happen until the day of trumpets which took place on the 10th day, so September 23rd.
My first delusion was that we were going to have an earthquake on the Day of Trumpets. I was financially vested in this destruction plot, so deep down I was hoping something bad would happen so we could have a sudden windfall of cash. Google has a new multi-billion dollar location in Utah. Utah would be the perfect place for an earthquake. I bought a new journal and was frantically writing in it so that my guesses/predictions would be written down before it actually happened. I had all of the children pack their go-bags and load them into the back of the car. My first guess was that it was going to happen at 4 something, and I can't even remember why now. Maybe it was the time sunset occurred on the east coast? Anyway, as the time drew closer I had second thoughts. So my new earthquake time was at sunset in Utah, since that's where Julie Rowe had said the warning earthquake would take place. In excitement we all went down to the church and sat on the lawn waiting for the earthquake that was 100% inevitable. Utah sunset came and went and we were all disappointed. The children believed me implicitly and were very disappointed. Ok, well maybe it's sunset in California? Came and went. Nothing.
I was confused and disappointed. So we all went in for FrostKnight's award ceremony where he was receiving all of his earned merit badges from the previous Scout Camps. But I was too distracted to pay attention. I went out to change Oosa Bubba's diaper and wandered down to the library where I flipped open the scriptures to Doctrine and Covenants 18:2 Behold, I have manifested unto you, by my Spirit in many instances, that the things which you have written are true; wherefore you know that they are true. I thought it was referring to the things I had written in my journal. But how could they be true? I was wrong.
I've gone to the scriptures in this manner MANY, many times and gotten completely pertinent information and exactly what I needed. So, looking back on this particular instance and how dangerously wrong and misleading it was making me question every other answer I've ever received by randomly opening the scriptures. I don't want to do it again. I don't want to be so wildly and dangerously deceived. In fact, I recently prayed to Heavenly Father telling Him, "I'll talk to you, but I don't want to hear your voice. I just can't tell it apart from my own delusions. So, I'll follow the prophet and do what I'm supposed to, but I do NOT want personal revelation anymore. Please keep it to yourself."
I researched more about the dreams people had been having regarding the Utah earthquake. From everything I found it was supposed to happen in the Fall, and very soon. But that's according to other people's dreams. Then along the same Utah earthquake thread I found someone describing seeing the blood moon and while they were watching the eclipse something happened and the moon split into pieces.
"Several years ago that I had a vivid dream. This was before I knew anything about the coming lunar eclipse tetrad. Anyway, my dream was very brief, but I was standing alone outside at night. I looked up at the moon and it was red and it was huge. The detail was stunning and it was beautiful. But something felt wrong and the next thing I noticed, the moon exploded. I don't mean that it blew up into a fireball. It just burst into chunks and fragments, which flew towards the earth and I noticed while it was still very dark, the silhouettes of trees."
I extrapolated that some other large body had collided with it while aligned with the moon to hide it's proximity at the exact moment of the Super moon that was upcoming on September 27th. It was interesting, but then further along a second person chimed in that they had had a similar moon crash dream.
"I've also had a end-times type dream where I saw the moon destroyed. It was in mainly two big chunks but also many smaller chunks."
In my head I'm going, "In the mouth of two or three witnesses..." And the poison was in.
Over the course of many years I've had the same reoccurring dream. It is of a large dark planet rimmed in red that is in the sky in close proximity to the moon. Whenever I've seen this in my dream I'm always overwhelmed by an enormous sense of dread, followed by excitement that THIS is the sign that Jesus will soon arrive. I had no idea that anyone else was having similar dreams until I stumbled across something back in 2012. That dream is more common than I realized. And it has something to do, people think, with the Planet X or Nibiru. So I put Nibiru into my garden of possibilities.
Between the 13th and the 23rd I was sleeping very little. I had recently found Julie Rowe's books and was reading them as fast as I could. I believed her. Implicitly. It all fit into the grand finale of the 70th Jubilee year and the beginning of the tribulations. But really, I didn't have a timeline for when her NDE would start to shake out. I read. I stayed up to read. I couldn't sleep because I wanted to read. So, that's why I was so exhausted when the moon collision information came up. It waltzed right in.
This moon collision information was the poisonous mushroom in my House Metaphor post. My own dream was already inside the gate, and tucked away with Nibiru. The large body collision I imagined connected my dream to the 2 moon fracture dreams for a toxic concoction. I was freaking out. I can't overstate this enough. I was FREAKING out. It all made sense. That kind of event was SURE to send the stock market crashing 7777 points in a single day. Remember the 7's are important. I was scaring the children. They didn't know what I was upset about, but they were scared. I was freaking Rachel out, my daycare helper.
I called my brother Frodo from the garage where no one could hear me absolutely hysterical and crying. I sobbed what I had found and the lighting (which I see now was of fear) that went through me, and I was SURE that it was a spiritual confirmation that it was all true. It connected the stock market crash. It connected the Schemita (although it really didn't since the day had passed) and the Jubilee year. THIS was Nibiru the destroyer. The chunk of moon rock that would fall from the collision was Wormwood in the book of Revelations which would bitter the waters of Earth. Several visions had predicted East Coast tsunamis. THIS was the reason!
Husband came home and I took him into the garage and sobbed into his chest, on the verge of hyperventilating and told him everything. Rather than dismiss it, his response was..."So what? We'll deal with it when it comes." In the moment his strength and faith comforted me. But he said when not if. Inadvertently, he validated my delusion. Not his fault. I am NOT pinning this on him. With no previous context of my being bipolar and a pretty stellar track record of being right on MANY, MANY things that I had no hard evidence for until after I shook it all out....He believed me with a wait-and-see attitude.
Between the 23rd and the 27th my insomnia was completely manic. The possible scenarios grew into delusions, which grew with my insomnia. Each new delusion built upon itself. I thought I was receiving revelation every night. I thought I was figuring out the big secret of mortality. I would wake Husband up in the middle of the night to tell him my next big reveal. He was too tired or half asleep to process what I was saying. Every night I spun and spun. I don't even remember what my days looked like. The poison spread throughout my entire system.
As I shared bits of information with Husband and Frodo, they never stopped to question me or call me out. For me the silence was endorsement. The delusions built on themselves and each step down the rabbit hole was incremental enough to be believable.
As a good habit, I would read the scriptures with my children every morning. Since the Schemita was the hot topic, we studied about it and the end times predictions and how it was all relevant RIGHT NOW. Meanwhile my son FrostKnight was disappointed over and over with wrong prediction. He began to question his testimony, the truthfulness of the gospel and his own potential ongoing membership in the church. Because I was wrong over and over. Each disappointment built a wall around his heart. I didn't see what was happening.
This is already sufficiently lengthy to publish, but I will tackle the really wild delusions in the following post.
No comments:
Post a Comment