15 June 2016
Let me preface this by saying that prior to this happening I did not know that I was bipolar. There had never been any erratic behavior that would have clued us into it. I've never had any delusions, not any that I'm aware of anyway. I still wonder if the episode was a direct result of a lack of sleep. I hadn't been sleeping much the previous two weeks.
I will try to document what I remember, but there are many <blank> spaces.
<my internal dialogue will be formatted like this>
Husband's words
"Things I remember saying"
I hope it makes as much sense as possible.
September 28, 2015. After lunch. I am taking my friend Emma's advice and I'm going to get some rest. I need to relax. I need my room cleaned up and my bathroom cleaned. Everyone jumps in to clear out the bedroom.
Relaxing music is on. A candle is lit. Lavender under tongue. Valarian root to soothe. I'm feeling the exhaustion deep down. A bath is drawn with lavender and bubbles. Husband brings me the naked baby so he can nurse before we crawl into bed together and sleep. Husband is sitting on the edge of the tub supervising the baby and talking to me.
<I need to write to Jonathan Cahn about these last few days with the pencil we found in the olive oil.>
I try to tell Husband my symbols. They were the delusions I had been having. I needed him to understand my motivations for everything these last few days. Give him some context for my weird behavior. I couldn't let any of it go until I got it out. The more I told him the more alarmed he became.
I remembered the salt that Lucy had given me from the Dead Sea. I asked him to add it to my bath water.
<That's important too. That's one of my symbols.>
The tub is full and I can hear the excess flowing out the drain, like a broken floodgate.
<My floodgate broke. Nothing happened with the Schemita. Nothing happened with the blood moon. I've lost $5000 in the process. But I've averted disaster in the United States with my own personal disaster yesterday. My family is incredibly important to Israel. I am raising Israel's prophet. I am raising his apostle. Israel DID have a crisis yesterday. Nobody knows it but me.>
"The living waters of the United States have become polluted."
Living waters was one of my delusions. I thought I had received personal revelation regarding bodily fluids.
The baby finishes nursing so I hand him to my Daughter.
"Dress Oosa Buba in his blue striped pajamas."
<Stripes for the tents of Israel>
"Take him to Pharaoh's daughter. You know her. We threw her a surprise birthday party."
<I have to say it like this, but she'll know I'm talking about Aunt K. >
Husband says something along the lines of you're scaring her.
I didn't want her to be alarmed so I jumped out of bath, ran around room like a monkey waving my arms over my head.
"Look at me! I'm a monkey! Ooh ooh, Aah aah! See? I'm fine!"
Daughter <blank>.
<Ok that made her feel better. She's laughing>. She wasn't, but I thought she was, I remember a relieved laugh that never happened.
Husband starts giving orders. Get in the bath. I obeyed. Sit down. I obeyed.
He says <blank>. I started escalating again.
<When we got married in the Temple: He brought me through and he learned my new name.> "BUT, YOU weren't paying ATTENTION!"
Raised my hand to the square. "By the authority of the [removed], which YOU hold and we are sealed....<blank>
I said my new name. <This is being filmed in the temple and this is one of the uses for the new name.>
He kept telling me to be quiet, which only made me mad. <He doesn't want to hear and I am embarrassing him again. Why doesn't he want to hear me?>
<You think I'm crazy? I'll give you crazy.>
I stand up and get out of the bath.
"The aliens are coming...They can hear us..."
rambling, rambling...
<Aliens aren't real. But this is funny because he wants me to shut up.>
Daughter comes in. I snap back to the "reality" of my delusions.
"Take the baby and FLEE! FLEE TO EGYPT!"
This was a reference to Joseph fleeing to Egypt to save the life of baby Jesus, but things were fuzzy at this point and the Moses story took place entirely in Egypt. But that was too complicated for my confusion.
<Oosa Buba is going to be the prophet like baby Moses. He needs to be saved like in the basket down the river. Daughter is like Miriam. She needs to make sure he makes it to the Pharaoh's daughter in order to be saved. Aunt K is like Pharaoh's daughter. It's all symbolic.>
Husband is holding me trying to calm me down. More rambling.
<I need help. They don't believe me. This is where I need my angel! >
I scream, "AARON GET YOUR SWORD!!! AARON GET YOUR SWORD!!!"
Aaron is the cherub who would take the pencil I found in the olive oil in the back yard and turn it into a flaming sword to defend me and issue a supersonic scream scaring all the demons away.
<blank>
I am collapsed on the floor next to bath tub.
I woke up in explosions of realization. <This is real.>
Husband asks, Are you OK?
"Yes."
Back with us?
<dizzy>
If I had been back in reality, I'm confused how long I stayed there. It was like a light switch rapidly being flipped on and off, and I couldn't tell which direction was which. In any moment I'm not sure which reality I believed.
<This isn't pretend. It's really happening. OMG what have I been doing?>
dizzy...confusion
<I'm in the temple and this is being filmed. Heavenly Mother has been directing this the whole time. I'd had my memory removed so that the performance would be genuine, not just good acting. Satan wouldn't be fooled by acting. He knows me too well.>
<That's why the temple acting has been so bad. All the different versions? Set up. Context. This is the final performance where EVE wakes up and realizes everything. That's why this final performance shown so infrequently. It's the big reveal. The twist.>
Suddenly everything made sense to me. I thought the crazy theories that were all pretend actually were the truth. I felt like my open mind had allowed me to accidently stumble across the contradictions of the matrix.
<I am the dupe. It isn't real, I've solved the puzzle and figured out what was really going on. Everything I thought was just a crazy theory: THAT was all real. Husband's been in on it the whole time. My performance had to be believable. The only way that was possible was if I had believed the lie while in the Matrix.>
We are in our closet now. I remembered The Fifth Element movie. She screamed to stop the alien block from destroying the earth.
<Making connections. Everything is clear. Nothing has been coincidence my whole life. Every movie I've ever seen have been clues to help me. It's all been leading up to this moment.>
Rambling, rambling, escalation. He's holding on to me trying to get me to stop.
<I have to scream. He's trying to stop me, but it's the only way. That's the only way to get it to stop.>
<blank>
When the screaming started Rachael, my daycare helper, took all of the kids for a walk around the block. In the four-seat stroller she had Cariño, Hugie-hugie-lovie-lovie, Raffie, and She-she-mama. All of my seven children walked with her. Eldest carried Oosa Buba, who was now 4 months old. Rachael called my mother, who didn't understand what Rachael was trying to tell her and abruptly told her she didn't have time for nonsense. Rachael called my sister-in-law, Aunt K, and tried to explain again. Aunt K left her house to come get all of my children.
Back to the closet.
<I hate being naked in front of people. That whole Adam and Eve thing a few days ago? Real. I am Eve. >
<blank>
"She's always loved a good drama"
<Heavenly Mother! What a card!>
"I'm coming Mother!"
<I really want to see her again. She's seen me this whole time while directing the show>
<We need to go.>
I tried to leave, but Husband insisted on dressing me. I didn't notice that I was still naked. Didn't care either.
Husband asks, Where are your garments? Underwear.
"They're in the laundry." I try to leave. <I can't wear used garments. They've been defiled. I can only wear new garments right out of the package in order to be protected from the power of the destroyer.>
Husband grabs the closest clothes he can and dresses me as quickly as he can. No underwear. No bra. I am, at minimum, covered.
"Where are we going? Are we going to Narnia" He says I was going a million miles a minute at this point.
He says, Sure Narnia.
<OH! Narnia is real! I'm so glad! That makes so much sense. Let's go>
He asks me questions. What's your name? What day is it? Where are you?
<Duh. We're still being filmed. I can give you all my stage name answers.>
I answer his questions perfectly, but I think I'm giving him lines and characters from our movie.
He <pretends to> calls the police but I didn't hear much of the conversation because I was talking to myself pulling all of the pieces of the puzzle together.
I snapped out of my self conversation and said, "Look I'm fine. I'm right here. Fine. Fine. Fine. Are we done?"
I see him snap the phone shut and put it down. This would have been impossible because he was using an iPhone. But I remember him snapping the phone shut. So anything that I'm remembering may or may not have actually happened.
Husband says, Yup, we're done. I thought he was referring to the movie being filmed.
<The director has called cut. Oh good! I'm glad that's over. I'd like to go home now>
"Where are the kids?"
<I actually have twin girls, not 7 children>
They're with R.
I hear the name but understand, "your mom".
I see my mother's old high school yearbook on the floor.
<Oh! There's my context! THIS is the year!>
"It's 1966!"
Husband comes back around the corner.
<Filming has resumed, back in character. I need to give the key word>
Husband asks, What do we do with this?
<He's holding the yearbook>
I give a low menacing look, as part of my role. "Burn it."
<That's the key word! I said it. It's over. We're done filming now. I want to be done and just go home.>
<My mother is freaking out because we're going to burn her yearbook. She's been watching the performance from backstage.>
I call out, "Don't worry mom we're not going to burn your book!"
<But we need to burn something. My journals. All my journals that I've been keeping all these years. Those need to go into the fireplace we've never used and burn them all. We're done with this movie and they need to be destroyed.>
Not sure if I actually said that part out loud or just thought it.
<blank>
Going down the stairs from our bedroom.
<I need to say the key word. What is it? I don't know. What word is going to have the most shock value in the Temple? Of course. The F-bomb. That's what I need to say in order to wake up the audience.>
Swearing on the stairs. Say it. Say it. Say it.
<Why won't this stop? They're not waking up. I'm missing something. What?>
<blank>
I'm so thirsty. Husband gets me bubbly water. I take a sip, but not enough to quench my thirst.
<Water is for baptism>
I pour the water over my head.
<blank>
My father-in-law put on a blue dress to shock the nosey neighbor who was watching him garden when my husband was growing up. I remembered also that when we were first married, Husband squeezed himself into one of my blue dresses. I have a funny picture of it in our newlywed album. <I have a blue sequins dress from my high school prom. Husband needs to put it on to complete the circle. It's part of this puzzle.>
<blank>
<I'm confused. When are we?>
"Has the temple ceremony changed?"
Husband tells me, No.
<Ok. So we are actually living in Ancient Israel. That makes so much sense.>
<blank>
<I need to wake up the audience. I need to wake up Husband. I'm the only one who knows what's really going on>
"None of this is real! None of this matters!"
I knock my children's artwork off the wall. I start tearing pages out of the daycare sign in book.
<I need to show them that all of these "important" things that were so precious to me are really all just props.>
"It's all been one big puzzle. It all makes so much sense now. What else am I missing?"
I jump around the playroom ABC carpet landing on the Monkey, the Stars, the Sun, the moon. I'm looking for all the pieces.
<If I land on them in the right order they'll light up and the door will open>
<This is all an act. We are still filming, but I need to let Husband know that I'm awake and know this isn't real life anymore.> Wink, wink. He winks back.
<Oh thank God! He's awake too. I'm so relieved! He knows this is all just a show.>
There was a lot of winking. I start saying my words to emphasize as bad of acting as I can muster.
<I have to make this as obvious as possible. They need to wake up. I need to stop acting so well. I need to be a bad actor so they'll see it's all fake.>
<blank>
<Narnia is real. It's just outside the front door. But I need to believe in order for the magic to work. Do I believe enough? Husband needs to believe, too. Once he believes then we can go. Everything we've every wanted. It already exists!>
I try to explain to him that Narnia is real but he won't believe me.
I make a break for the front door.
<I need to get out the door.>
<The lion from Narnia. The lion of Judah.>
Husband is holding on to me again.
<I missed the connection! It's the same lion! Look at Husband's beard! It's golden like a mane!> "Husband, it's YOU! You're the lion of Judah!"
Screaming as loud as I can.
<Break the spell. Screaming will break the spell.>
<blank>
<I need to scream. The first one didn't work. I need to scream without being blocked by a roof. I need to scream, naked in the middle of the street. It's the only thing that will make this stop. Let me out!>
Another break for the door.
<blank>
I'm lying on the tile floor next to the front door.
<Why won't this stop? I need to get out! I'm trapped. How do I get out? I need to bash my head to get out.>
I hit the back of my head as hard as I can on the tile floor. I only get a few good blows in before Husband puts his hand behind my head. He carries me over to the carpet in the playroom.
<blank>
Up again. Husband is holding on to me. I'm facing toward the family portrait on the wall.
<That's the direction of the audience. They think they're just watching a movie. I need to convince them that this is real. They need to wake up so this can be over. I'm trapped until one of them wakes up>
"Audience THIS IS REAL!!!! WAKE UP!"
<Try to have evil eyes so they'll see me as Satan. Are my eyes glowing red?>
<blank>
<What's going on? I don't understand? Why am I acting like this?>
"I'm possessed! That's it! Husband, I'm possessed!"
He raises his arm and I collapse to the floor again.
<blank>
I'm laying on the floor.
"My mother is coming to bring my ruby slippers"
<There's no place like home. Maybe I can escape this with my ruby slippers. She'll bring them. Any minute she'll arrive with my ruby slippers.>
The door opens, but rather than my mother, Aunt K comes in. Husband asks if I know who she is.
<I know that she is my sister-in-law in the movie. She's the princess in Egypt. But who is she really? I have no idea what her real name is.>
"I don't know"
<blank>
<Husband is having a nightmare. I'm trapped in his nightmare with him. He doesn't know that this isn't real. If I can wake him up then I can get out of this nightmare too>
I try slapping him. I get him once but then he catches my hands.
"WAKE UP!!! HUSBAND, WAKE UP!!!"
I continue to scream at him and he gets right down looking at me insisting, I'm awake! Cookie, I'm awake!
<OMG is that it? Did I finally break the spell? Is the nightmare finally over? Can we stop filming NOW?>
I'm quiet and looking around. It doesn't seem so frantic laying on the floor.
"Husband, I don't know how to make it stop."
He sat up, paying closer attention to me now. He'd been nothing but a pillar of strength up to this point. Smiling at me, winking at me, answering my questions despite the mania. In this moment he saw a glimpse of ME again and broke down. Crying for the first time since this whole thing started he moaned through his tears, I just want my Cookie back.
I look at him carefully.
<The belly that I thought was overweight? It is part of his costume. He could just remove the padding if he lifted up his shirt.>
Aunt K was looking for the car keys to take my children to her house. She says that I started screaming that I had hid the keys from her because she was trying to steal my children. I don't remember that part.
I also don't remember when Husband got up to use the bathroom and Aunt K took his place sitting next to me on the floor. She told me that she tried to get me to remember the family pictures we were going to take. The outfits we had picked out. The colors: blue, white, red...RED like the blood moon! More screaming. She told me that I started hitting and kicking her. Husband rushed back in to take over.
My children told me later they could hear me screaming from all the way down the street as they turned the corner back onto our street.
Aunt K took the children back to her house. The next part I remember was when Rachael stuck her head in the door and said that the police were here. They rolled me over and cuffed me up. The officer asked me my name, but rather than answer him I wanted him to explain the numbers on his badge. Each one was significant and if he was in authority, he should be able to tell me what they meant. I had cracked the code of each number. That was also part of the delusions that led up to the episode.
I didn't have any shoes on but the officer walked me down the front of the house. Our ward bishop was arriving with his wife. He had a horrified look on his face. I called out to him for help. Raffie's dad was also just arriving to pick up his daughter. Hugie-hugie-lovie-lovie's mom was parked in the driveway and getting out of her car. I called her by name and begged her to explain to everyone that Narnia was real.
She responded saying, "Better just go with the officer, Cookie."
He put me in the back of his patrol car. It's the first time I've ever been in the back. Handcuffed. But that didn't occur to me in the moment.
<I am wearing all black. Like the devil. Why am I wearing all black?>
I also realized that I wasn't wearing my temple garments.
<Where are my garments? Why don't I have them on? I have no protection.>
I felt the stiffness of the cuffs on my hands and the firmness of everything surrounding me.
<I can't just walk out of here. This is real. If this was a dream I could just go through the window and be gone. Why is this real?>
The officer took his sweet time getting back to the car. He was probably getting a statement from Husband. In all the episode lasted three hours.
I rode in silence to the hospital. The officer walked me in still in handcuffs and bare feet.
I overheard one of the nurses saying, "I got my star!"
<There it is. I was the star of the show and the devil had got me. He tricked me. He won. I had been trapped in a nightmare and my star had fallen from the sky. Everything is lost.>
The episode was over but the delusions persisted for a while after.
I don't want to remember. I don't want to keep re-living this over and over again in my mind. I'm hoping that writing it out will give me a safe place to keep it so that I CAN forget.
Update: After writing this all out I shared it with Husband. He told me that he had forgotten 90% of it. It was hard for him to listen to it over again. Re-living it. I don't know if understanding the internal dialogue helped him understand it any better or not. He listened for my sake. To help me. He's strong like that.
I've been re-living it for the last 8 months. Every day. It's probably why I still remember so much of it, even with the gaps.
And since writing this all down I've finally been able to let it go. I don't dwell and spin on it EVERY DAMN DAY. Since writing it out I hadn't re-lived it until it was time to go to therapy again. And I was reminded again why I have to go. Because of the episode. But it was ONCE in a whole month and not once every day.
I'd say that's improvement. And so I'm just going to leave this here and walk out.
No comments:
Post a Comment